The Octopus and the Broken Pot

This past week has been quite something! 

Last Tuesday I developed chest pain at rest and was quickly taken by ambulance to A&E. I was informed I had a heart attack. One which seems to be of the unusual form- Takotsubo’s syndrome- it’s also the Japanese word for ‘octopus trap’. It has this name because ,in addition to chest pain, it also induces sudden heart failure thus making the shape of the heart change into the form resembling an octopus trap! Apparently the heart balloons, pumps less effectively and has a narrowing at it’s exit. 

The other name for this condition is ‘Broken Heart Syndrome’ as it’s most often triggered by a major stress life event. Well- we all know I’ve had plenty of those in the past two months! Too many complex heart procedures, each with unfortunate and ‘rare’ complications in my case. I may write more about my observations and contemplations on those later. Anyway, for now my heart finally said ‘enough is enough’. Well, almost. The good news is, it’s still going. 

I am now on day 12 in hospital. Meds being tweaked to get the right balance. Feeling extremely fatigued and compromised physically and also emotionally and mentally. The non-physical toll has been immense. It is interesting that the medical system which seems so protocol-driven nowadays, does not have an algorithm or track to acknowledge, accommodate nor ease the effects of sudden trauma on one’s humanness. 

Thankfully, I have an Angel cardiac nurse specialist who is doing her best to walk with me through all the trauma of the past few months whilst coordinating the tests and procedures in the best ways. She has literally been God’s provision to me through these times. 

So, to get back to the title of this little story… I have in essence ‘Broken Octopus Pot Syndrome’. To say that it has broken me for now, is not an understatement. But, one evening when I was resting I was encouraged as I let my mind relax and wander, that I could choose to look at all this in a beautiful way. 

The word ‘Kintsugi’ came to me. Again, a Japanese word – this one is derived from kin (gold) and tsugi (joint). It is Japanese art to do with the process of repairing broken pottery with gold resin. It can be an intricate, painstaking process requiring much patience. The breakage segments are bonded together, the pieces joined with gold glue, so that the object looks even more beautiful than before. 

The implications and message I took from this… I can choose to accept what has happened, not as a life now forever shattered, but as one which has opportunity to rebuild, acknowledging and even highlighting  the ‘scars’ of this experience and embracing them as something which is transforming me again somehow. I can’t promise to look more beautiful – but I can know that it’s all ok in the grander scheme of life.

And in the way life often works, another golden thread was woven into this concept, fleshing out the meaning for me in a timely and deeper way this week. My daily reading reminded me of God’s promise ‘ All the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe- people and things- will get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross’ Col 1:20 MSG. 

The great Artist is at work on me.