Look For The Helpers…

 (Observations From A Hospital Bed) 

There is a well-known quote first coined by Fred Rogers, the essence of which is that when we feel overwhelmed, lost or scared we should ‘look for the helpers’ amidst the situation. And the truth is, the helpers are usually there if we live authentically and with a heart that is open to receive. Of course we are also called to BE helpers, but I’d like to focus on those times which many of us don’t like to admit to or talk about, when we feel vulnerable and in need of help ourselves. I think it’s true to say that it is much easier to give than to receive. It makes us feel good to give and sometimes even empowered to be able to help someone. To receive help however, and even to have to ask for help is something altogether different. 

In the past two weeks of being in hospital I have been steeped in and also surrounded by vulnerability. I have watched countless nurses tending to patients around me and it has been so interesting to observe the different approaches. Doctors too have varying skills in connecting with patients on a level deeper than simply the pure medical (often data-driven) evidence and management plan. Sometimes there is a reluctance to dig too deep, or even to slow down and listen, as it may demand more from us – but to ignore that deeper need leaves a glaring hole in whole person care. It’s probably true to say that some people have a more attuned antenna towards picking up the broader needs of others and the courage to be brave enough to open to them.

Interestingly the key is most often in taking time to observe and listen. Both of these are really skills of being quiet in a situation. And of waiting. Of allowing and ‘sitting with’ a person. It’s the opposite of dealing out solutions and filling silence with words. Silence can feel uncomfortable but there is a real richness to the simple pause. 

Communication is said to involve only 7% talking words (information)! The other 93% is made up of voice and intonation (38%) and body language (55%). I find this fascinating yet not surprising. Personally I am very sensitive to a person’s aura or ‘vibe’. Certainly in the medical setting these past weeks I have seen so much soothing come from a person’s tone and demeanour, and simple quiet, listening presence. 

So, as far as ‘looking for the helpers’, I think being honest with our needs is important. I’ve heard patients this week say ‘I’m scared of dying’, or crying after the bombshell ‘the doctors say I only have a few weeks or months to live’.  And I’ve heard responses such as ‘just take deep breaths and drink more water’. But I’ve also witnessed nurses just sit down and hold a person’s hand, perhaps not even realising that they are also holding that person’s heart so tenderly and vitally in that moment. Actually ministering to their soul in a deeply powerful way they may not even realise. The conduit of gentle words can then open, reach and soothe through that physical connection. Some nurses have been gently bold enough to remind patients that doctors are only people looking at test results and giving their opinions, and that God is the only one who knows the number of our days. They have encouraged patients to keep hope alive and I have seen this bring so much peace and relief in the moment.  

Let’s not be in such a rush to tell, fix and solve. Let’s slow down, take a breath and just listen and be. We are all human, living this uncertain, messy life. Let’s hold hands as we do it together. 

And a quote attributed to Francis of Assisi reminding us that love in action is so impactful  – ‘Preach the gospel at all times and, if necessary, use words’. 

As Mr Roger’s says, ‘look for the helpers’. There are kind souls around who are willing to pause, even for a moment and help hold a hurting heart.