Snap, Crackle and POP! 

(healing from the inside out)  

I’m finally on the other side of my latest heart procedure! It’s been a long time coming due to various setbacks but the planned initial op moved to a two stage op then morphed into four stages, and that last stage is now done. 

The process and procedures:

You may remember that I had a pacemaker inserted in April. Then it was removed in May and replaced with a new one with repositioning of wires. This was because of some unusual complications which I won’t go into here. The previous July I had an ablation procedure and, this most recent time, a different kind of ablation which alters my heart function permanently, making me now pacemaker dependent. 

All these ops were done under light sedation. Despite no actual entonox aka ‘laughing gas’ being involved, I still giggle at the term ‘light sedation’:) I can’t say I found it very humorous at the time tho. For me, the meds didn’t feel like they touched me much and I was very aware of all that was going on. Maybe that was because my system was so revved up beforehand. 

However, the most recent procedure was as comfortable as it could have been, thanks to a very accommodating nurse, doctor and cardiac pacing team. I even got to choose my own playlist! Of course, I could not let this golden opportunity go by without selecting the perfect song for this occasion – our very own Aberdeen born Annie Lennox’s  ‘There Must Be An Angel Playing With My Heart’! Hearing that blaring through the theatre made me smile. 

The op went not with a bang but with a POP! As the surgeon applied the heated probe to the particular part of the heart, there was a loud sound like a pistol shot which the whole room heard and everyone stopped. Thankfully I was told later that this noise is apparently what can sometimes happen due to the steam created in the process. It felt a bit unnerving to me though as I was lying there, completely vulnerable on the ice-cold table. There then followed quite a delay as the team assessed whether the procedure had worked. This involved leaving my heart rate at 30 for what felt like about 20 minutes. That too felt strange and a bit lonely, as the team all stepped back in a huddle and waited. 

And now I’m experiencing a different kind of POP. This time the ‘Post Operative Period’. This could be quite lengthy as my heart has a lot of healing to do. Not only from the latest procedure but also from the fairly recent heart attack/Takotsubo which I wrote about in my very first blog post only two months ago. 

I feel exhausted and my heart rate is unstable presently as it heals. But I am able to rest and move when I feel able. 

Part of me dares to dream of a better life, free from all the cardiac issues which have plagued me for 13 years. Another part of me remains grounded in the present, just dealing with what’s in front of me day to day and waiting for evidence of improvement. These states sit side by side – my mind pendulating between them. 

My personal learning points:

Over the course of this 13 year process I have learned much about myself and have had time to become more attuned to my heart than ever – in every sense. I have discovered that I have a sensitive heart in more ways than one! 

Becoming emotionally dismantled and doing the rebuild after every frightening emergency cardiac event (and there have been too many to count) has taken immense effort and it has become a little harder each time to regain cardiac and therefore personal confidence. I have felt broken now and then – in all the ways – maybe that’s where the SNAP part of today’s story title fits! But every breakage gives opportunities for a deeper kind of fixing – one that is maybe truer and more fundamental. This whole journey has definitely made me more emotionally fluid and fluent. And I am comfortable with that. It feels more authentic to myself. 

I have always felt things deeply – this has been a challenge but also a gift in terms of intuition, empathy, attunement to people and situations and making meaningful connections. Perhaps I have become more at ease with expressing my own emotions now and letting them move through me quickly rather than burying them or bottling them up. This allows more clearing, clarity and healthy flow. Emotion is meant to be ‘energy in motion’ after all. Many wellness experts cite trapped emotions as being detrimental to health and this kind of makes sense to me. 

I also process things deeply. Another word for this is ‘overthinking’. I have a very active mind and imagination! Again, this has been a challenge and a blessing. My inquisitive mind, combined with my medical background, has caused me to stray into what ifs and worst case scenarios many times and this has not been without its associated stress. On the other hand, being analytical, I’ve been able to examine the medical facts logically and, with insight to self-advocate, ask the appropriate questions, make decisions and prepare myself. Learning to work with my mind – to tame it and quiet the CRACKLE or background noise – has been something I have enjoyed and continue to practise. 

Being vulnerable healthwise, particularly in one’s physical heart – the very core of one’s being – is not the easiest thing to live with.  I have felt weak at times but have also been told I have shown tremendous strength through it all. I have had to be reminded of this externally as it did not always feel that way to me. 

I have learned to trust others, partly through having no choice, especially in the medical setting. Having a rare disease of my arteries complicates this somewhat. Relinquishing the reins of control is difficult when the roles are reversed and stakes are high. Being a patient is hard. Thankfully I have encountered some excellent medical staff who have listened and have tailored my management accordingly and not been completely protocol driven. 

Having experience of both sides of the system is quite valuable and, maybe in time, I will be able to use that to somehow improve the patient experience of others as they navigate heart procedures. I’ve already had ideas of how that might outwork but for now I am still very much in the recovery phase so I need to curb my ‘caregiver’ inclinations for the time being!  

I have met so many kind hearted people within the NHS and have also received expressions of love and care from family and friends beyond what I could imagine. 

Patience and acceptance, casual acquaintances of mine early on in this walk, have since become first-line, favoured friends. Uncertainty can still be an unruly guest at times, but a quiet inner certainty sits within and continues to grow. 

And lastly, a confession – I have to admit, despite all the years of having an irregular heartbeat, I still cannot spell rythm/ rthym/….RHYTHM! Autocorrect to the rescue every single time:) 

So, presently I wait patiently in this post operative lay-by. Ready, and maybe still a little braced, for whatever comes next. Always holding hope for brighter days ahead and more freedom to actively live a life that I love. 

*****