Yay! Finally, 39 years after its official release, Wham!’s song, ‘Last Christmas’ , was crowned Christmas No.1 in the UK!
And, as we hurtle towards the end of the year, I am filled with thankfulness that I have experienced a Christmas I never thought I’d see.
🎵’ Last Christmas, I gave you my heart…’ 🎵
This turned out to be my yearlong refrain to the NHS which kicked off on Boxing Day last year with yet another ambulance trip to A&E then moved up several gears as 2023 progressed.
As I reflect on this past year, without doubt, it has been one of my most difficult yet, mainly revolving around ‘things of the heart’.
At times I have felt broken-open, unravelled – physically, emotionally and spiritually – sometimes all at once. I even suffered the cardiac condition called Broken Heart Syndrome back in June. Testament to the harshness of the impact of preceding multiple emergency hospital admissions and several difficult heart procedures. To say that I have found this year traumatic is an understatement, and I am still in the recovery stages on many levels, but I am hopeful that my heart will get stronger with time, loving care and gentle titration of physical effort.
Having felt stripped of strength, hard pressed and almost crushed in spirit for much of the first eight months of this year, I have known what it is like to feel emptied out and in need of support. Raw vulnerability is not comfortable. It is humbling to admit need. But this has perhaps been necessary … in order to truly experience the complete holding from God through others by their love, care, goodness and kindness.
Though the year has often felt brutal and I have danced with dark shadows whilst walking through lonely valleys, I have also leaned into deep truths on the journey. For that I am ever thankful.
In amongst the murk and mire there have been miracles. I have experienced the immeasurable kindness and patience of strangers – angels in the form of the caring profession – and also the unwavering commitment and care from family and friends alike.
At the beginning of every year, I intuitively let a ‘random’ word settle in my mind and heart, and I watch to see if and how it will unfold in the ensuing twelve months. Interestingly, my word for 2023 was YIELD, and boy was I called to an intense year of giving way and just letting life come at me, unshielded by bravado and independence. And what happened? I was held and I was loved.
And so, how to approach a new year, not knowing what it will bring…?
🎵 ‘This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to Someone special’ 🎵
One thing is for sure. I will enter into 2024 softly re-yielding my heart and myself to a God who loves me, trusting in his goodness and grace.
Will it ‘save me from tears’? Probably not. But that’s okay. Tears are like prisms, reflecting a spectrum of emotions. I’ll experience them all as I allow my tears to tenderise the garden of my heart – opening and expanding it in trust and love.
At a time of year when wellness gurus on social media platforms chivvy and chide us into high stakes New Year’s resolutions to do better, be better and have more – essentially creating in us a feeling of inadequacy – let us remember that we are enough just as we are. God holds each of us in his unconditional loving grace. So we may choose a more subtle path with acceptance and gentleness towards ourselves, as we bravely enter a fresh year with our best intentions at heart.
‘Be softer with you. You are a breathing thing. A memory to someone. A home to a life.’*
*Quote by the poet Nayyirah Waheed
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Everythingistickityboo 
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