Making Peace with Uncertainty

( Are you out of your head? ) 

In recent times I have found it increasingly difficult to live with the uncertainties that come with ill health. When an unexpected cardiac event sucker punches me out of the blue again, it’s hard to go through the inevitable cascade which has to follow with the severity of symptoms (paramedics, A&E, hospitalisation etc) and then afterwards to pick oneself up, dust down and just keep going again. The nature of my condition is such that there is no preamble, no warning. Maybe even no ‘next time’. Just BOOM as Jurgen Klopp would say! 

Planning social engagements is hard and the encounters themselves can cause a level of activation in my system which can trigger a cardiac ‘event’ in itself and so I try to avoid destabilising my system in this way. It’s very frustrating as I have always LOVED people and I thrive on connection. Connection is life-giving after all! I think that’s one reason why I have started this blog, to feel connected on some level with friends and family near and far. 

The mental strain of the uncertainty is immense and I am not ashamed to admit that. In fact it’s important to acknowledge this aspect in any kind of ongoing ill health. Perhaps with cardiac issues it feels more pointed due to the necessary immediacy and urgency of reactions and responses when they occur. I recognise too that my system has become hyper-vigilant. ‘On guard’, so to speak, understandably. 

Over the course of these years I have trained myself in meditation and mindfulness. I have also studied in depth, the mind-body connection in an effort to try to understand ways in which I can help myself, through brain retraining and somatic exercises. I have studied (and practiced) a whole suite of methods to help move through the issues I face. Yet there is no getting away from the fact that the physical aspects of this illness are real, scary, serious and unpredictable. 

So what to do..? 

One thing I have found is that living in the moment helps. Projecting into future ‘what ifs’ and ‘worse case scenarios’ doesn’t help. Most of what we worry about never happens after all! Or if it does, we have a plan to get the appropriate help. If I feel tension, I ask myself,  ‘Am I in danger right at this minute?’  And the answer is usually ‘No’. Cultivating a FEELING of safety in the present moment is important. Grounding is a popular term nowadays and it is important to tap into that bodily feeling of being safe in the here and now and really activating the senses in those moments. Taking time to give full, deliberate observing attention to sights, sounds, scents, taste and touch of immediate surroundings. This has a way of awakening and enlarging our perspective and tends to quiet the mind and tone down the sense of background alarm held in the body. 

Not being hard on oneself when having a rough day (week, month or year) is also important. Some may like to call that self compassion. We shy away from language that sounds self indulgent but in truth, we can only really practice compassion for others when we understand what it is to be kind to ourselves. 

Even Jesus said : ‘Love others as you love yourself.’ We can take time to rest and restore in the practical ways that we find helpful without feeling guilty about it. 

 Life is not a competition nor a performance. We can ease our foot off the gas pedal without feeling the world is going to crumble around us. Self importance is not an attractive trait but it can manifest in many disguises. As can the feeling that we need to control everything for things to be ok. We CAN let others help us & rest and trust in their kindness and care. 

Circling back to brain retraining and in particular nervous system regulation, I learned (apologies to any neuroscientists reading this) that, simplistically speaking, there are three main components to brain function, common to us all.

 The cognitive part which is our rational thinking ‘adult’ brain-the problem solving, planning, logical, reasoning part which speaks in words and language. 

The limbic system – our childlike emotional part- which feels sensitivity to attachment, connection, reactivity and love. 

The primitive ‘animal instinct’ survival brain responsible for keeping us safe and alive.

The rational brain tends to shut off during a period of high stress and fear, as it’s optimal function depends on the stability of the underlying limbic and brain stem parts. When those lower parts go into high stress FEAR reaction, we clench up. Our metaphorical life-lens becomes small and tight when the fight-flight-freeze response activates- like a bodily alarm siren going off. These lower parts do not speak in words- hence telling someone to ‘calm down’ doesn’t help. The wisdom of the advice, ‘ listen to your body’ is much more apt. The non-verbal communication of love through touch, nurturing connection and the embodied sense of safety are what is needed to calm the system down to then allow the rational brain to get online again. The emotional-survival brain communicates through sensation and emotion- responding to a bodily felt-sense of safety. 

Think of a crying child having just fallen and scraped their knee. They don’t want or need a logical explanation for why it happened-not straight away at least. First they need to be hugged, held and comforted- a tangible expression of safety & unconditional love. Maybe later they can absorb the fact that running with an untied shoelace is not the wisest thing. When we can successfully resource and activate the elements that calm our dysregulated nervous system first, we can then enter the more rested calm state where our logical brain can work effectively and allow us to see things more rationally with a more open mind and wider perspective again. 

Gratitude is another vital component to presence and peace. When we recall the good, joyous, beautiful aspects of our lives, the kindnesses of others, the love of family & friends, and the wonders of nature, our bodies respond in an open receptive way which also serves to calm us. We can usually look around us in the moment and see something which lifts our spirits and for which we can be thankful. This is not toxic ‘false’ positivity which denies reality, but rather an appreciation of the goodness of life, even as it sits amongst the trials. Prayer can be a great way to feel held in love. The simple desperate plea, ‘Help me God’ has also been a raw cry from my heart lately. More on that another time. 

So, does all this eradicate the discomfort of uncertainty? No, but it helps me to live alongside it- to dilute it’s constricting power and aid me in navigating those times of stress and fear. It helps me see things in a more anchored way. And when the anchor is dropped, the storm isn’t as rough to ride.